By Jae Vitug | World of Thoughts ©
“She could’ve given you the world, but you missed on that when you decided to fuck her up. She had a lot to offer. She was worth it.”
They saw right through you from the start. I didn’t listen. I hoped for the best.
I fell for you…
And today the actual truth is, I was just another one that quickly became the “she’s no one”.
You, you’re the kind of person that shouldn’t belong in my life. You’re unreliable, unpredictable, and undeserving of a heart like mine.
But I was stubborn and was obsessive. I was crazy about you, so drawn to you that I failed to do the smart thing. I did what felt right for me, even though deep down I knew it was wrong. That something was wrong when you cancelled our plans and had me come straight up your place instead.
Shamelessly, I did.
It’s true, I think unconsciously, I am forever on a hunt for someone who can love me and appreciate me for who I am.
But I’m not an idiot. Don’t call me that.
I wasn’t expecting you to become my next boyfriend, future husband, my happily ever after. I knew you were going to break me apart with how fast we were going.
I knew you were going to destroy me, leaving a part of you in me that I won’t be able to forget.
You have made quite an impact, because for once in my life, I felt that someone had finally seen me for who I am.
You made me believe, and I blame you that I did.
For some time I was angry from what you put me through, especially the way you left. But mostly, I was mad because I remember how happy you made me feel…
I never thought that the honesty in your eyes, the innocence in your dimpled smile, and the warmth I found in your touch, would be the one to ruin me.
You gave me enough reasons to fall for you. I was curious and very much excited. Thrilled of the foreign emotions you’ve stirred in me. I couldn’t get over how seemingly perfect you were. I couldn’t get used to the attention you’ve lavished me.
I was sincerely beaming with joy.
Well, at least as long as it lasted…
So, that evening, reversing the damage of our abandoned plans, I went out to dinner with my best friend.
After the food, chitchats and two glasses of wine, I got another call from you. And like a damsel in distress, I rushed to your place thinking this is how it’s going to happen: I’m going to see you, telling myself that it’s no big deal, that it’s just going to be a friendly conversation.
But one conversation turned into two and pretty soon, I was telling you things I swore I have never shared with anyone else.
We had our own little bubble.
We were having fun, just you and me.
Two more glasses of vodka down and we were sitting a little too close. I was waiting for you to break the sexual tension by kissing my lips.
You finally did.
And in that moment, I was happier than I’ve been in years. I was thankful that I gave you a shot, that I ignored what everyone else told me to do and listened to my heart over my head.
We did the deed.
And it was amazing. Probably the best sex I’ve ever had.
Then suddenly, it was over. You told me I had to leave. All our plans for the next day gone. All our plans for ourselves seemed to have vanished into the thin air.
You started dressing up because you said you had to go out clubbing with your friend. When earlier that day you said you were so tired you couldn’t even show up to our dinner date.
I had no choice but to leave.
I went home thinking about what it all meant, and I realized it meant nothing to you and everything to me. That you simply didn’t want a relationship and we are never going to be together in the way I want us to, ever.
My brain tortured me with truths – that you didn’t actually care about me at all, that you only used me for the night, that you aren’t ready for a serious relationship and even if you were, you wouldn’t want one with me — until I regretted everything.
Until all of my friends said I told you so. Until I had to remorse even myself.
I felt mixed emotions. I was full of hate, anger, and self pity. I was a ticking time bomb that was so close to exploding.
I wanted to be instantly okay. I felt impatient at the slow progress I was making and kept looking for a quick solution to end my misery.
I had hoped to be able to think clearer, that I’ll have the strength to hold myself back from talking to you, that I’ll regain my dignity and realize that there are so many other people I could be thinking about instead of you.
But I let a second night happen. Exactly two weeks after, I came home with you after a drunken night out, foolishly thinking you would change.
And I must say, it went very ugly, worst than the first.
We got violent.
There were more holes made, and our boat sank.
How stupid was I? I reprimanded myself day and night.
But still, right now, in this moment, I don’t care about how much pain you have brought me. I don’t care how bad you have played me, disrespected me.
All I care about is right now. And right now, I want to hear your voice again. I want to see your face again.
I want to kiss you again.
I understand that talking to you was a mistake. Flirting with you was a mistake. Letting you into my heart was a mistake.
But they were mistakes I wanted to make.
And if there’s any possibility at all that I can start all over again, a chance of happiness with you or someone new. I’d take it. Because no matter how dreadful your demons are, I’m always willing to give myself, wholeheartedly.
But I’ll make sure if that time comes, it’ll be different.
Mark my words. Changes will be made.
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