By Jae Vitug | World of Thoughts ©
“You’ve always been this cheerful, happy, independent person that comes off to society as someone who doesn’t need anyone. But sometimes, those people whose always there for everyone are the ones in need the most of company.”
Lonely, but would rather go out there and escape things. Incomplete, but choosing to be held by a different set of arms with each time you go on a casual hook up. Miserable, but would somewhat just smile it all off.
You would rather be alone than enter the world of the unknown, being, relationships. You say you don’t want anything to do with it, but really, you’re in a constant hunt for it, but just won’t acknowledge it.
And being it as the inevitable, from the moment you’d find a shoulder to lean on, you’d jump at it quite instantly. You go on, until without noticing you’ll want more from him. You’ll want more than his friendship even though you promised you don’t want him. You’ll want him to be yours and that will blind you from reality.
You knew from the very beginning, and you promised yourself that you would have no expectations from him. But you forgot, and made foolish excuses for yourself. You wanted more from the boy whom you just wanted friendship from, and likewise.
He isn’t to blame, it was your selfish fantasies. His heart may have always screamed her name, but you plugged your ears. Eventually, that will break you and you can’t blame him. You can’t blame him because he showed you that he either belongs to someone or doesn’t wanna belong to anyone at all.
When that night happened, it might’ve almost felt like a fairy tale to you on the duration of the time being. You, not wanting to leave because you knew it’d be different the moment that you cease his place.
You were also perfectly aware that he was leaving soon, but you didn’t care. Didn’t care even though it was within you thinking that the moment he steps foot back in his country, in his familiar place, that you’d be long gone and forgotten.
Furthermore, you knew that for him it was nothing but his best drunkself carrying him away, but for you it meant hope, hope that maybe, maybe he wants to settle down with you when he comes back.
When you see him walk by the halls, I know you wish for everything.
Half of you wanting to go back, right at that moment when you were just friends so that you don’t have to deal with all these, half you still believing on the what ifs.
And so this is where you are, ignoring how sorry you are that it happened, sorry that you made it happen when it shouldn’t have. I know you never wanted everything to end like this but you’re here now, because you have forgotten the promise you made to yourself.
The both of you were never meant to drive the same lane, same roads indeed, but different lanes. You both longed for company and you gave each other that, but that too, was temporary.
You know you’re ready to love again, you know that you’re capable of it, but each and every time, you’ll find yourself just in a casual hook-up and the gloomy pathetic aftermath of a one night stand.
Questions like, how do you make him stay? Can you really make him stay? You can try, but you can’t. He has choices to make and decisions to stand for. Because sometimes life happens and our feelings can get in the way.
When will waiting be worth it? Until when will you be willing to take chances?
Aren’t you just tired of it all?
We all know it sucks to be the ones catching feelings. You’ve given it your all, yet it isn’t enough enough for the other person to stay. You offered everything, but they’ll choose to walk away.
After all, we are players in the same game.
They left. You’re alone. You’re wondering why they did. And every insecurity you buried inside of you comes rushing back.
It’s not because you’re not enough. It’s because they don’t know how to be contented. It’s not because you’re demanding. It’s because they don’t want to put much effort for things to work out. It’s not because you’re clingy and annoying. It’s because they don’t know how to appreciate your quirks. It’s not because you’re hard to understand. It’s because they just didn’t tried hard enough. The list continues to so on and on.
But maybe, just maybe, they just really wanted a hook-up which you gave yourself up so easy, and now you find yourself in the midst of the tormented consequences.
It was your fault because you knew, you understood from the very start that you were just meant to be friends. But you forced for something to happen, and it didn’t quite get the ending you’ve always been wanting, because life, life is such a b*tch.
Though from a man’s point of view, they wouldn’t want to purposely hurt someone, it’s just not their fault that it’s in the women’s individuality to be the ones falling first.
They know exactly why they’re single.
They have a lot of shit to go through as well. But wether it’s them on that era of playing games, or that they’re too chastened on building their empire, they are, by nature, boys, and would necessitate their needs of frankly speaking, sex. They’re not the ones to blame for if you seize the bait. So to say, there is no room for misunderstanding.
You’re playing in a game where no one is winning.
It’s just surprising how you can be normal friends with them after quite some time. A couple of them travels the road of the downgrade, from being friends to just acquaintances you say “hi and bye” to whenever you see each other. But most acts as if it never happened and you’re shoved down to that corner of yet being one of the boys, either it’s having a good night out like you’re one of their dudes, or being their love doctor slash life coach.
You get the same results, ending up being their “girl bff” or be the “annoying b*tch” whom they think is too thirsty, wanting some more, when they don’t understand you’re just craving affection.
It’s just likewise eminently. Yet again you find yourself with another man which gets you firing up the repeat button once again. It’s like a mistake that you never seem to learn from, which is just utterly frustrating.
It’s not that you’re collecting and choosing. It’s that you’ve found, and it’s just clearly not the right timing.
Men chooses as well, it’s either just the women’s physical attributions or they are in search for a beautiful person at heart which is at the same time settled down with life as well.
Understand that to a serious relationship, they’re not looking for someone to get f*cked up with. As we grow up, it is our only responsibility to be responsible and look for someone we can build a good future with.
They won’t launch themselves to someone who isn’t capable, to someone who has no direction. Life isn’t just all about the parties and the wild nights. But to give it the benefit of the doubt, anyone can change and compromise.
You know you could think every negative thought on Earth just to put yourself down, but here’s something to think about. It didn’t work out just because it wasn’t meant to be, it didn’t work out because in the right time, at the right place, it’ll all work out with the right person.
You could mourn your loss for some time but it’ll come to a point that you need to step forward.
Yes, the healing process takes time and is difficult but it’s not impossible. Feelings change. People come and go. Sometimes what you wanted will not be granted to you, but I’m sure that what you deserve will be given.
It happens to the best of us.
It’s completely understandable to be afraid of repeating this motherf*cking cycle. Even if you learn from your mistakes rather quickly, and get back up and go out there, you’ll still be afraid that life may very well throw the same garbage your way, only manifested in a different form.
It’s amazing how many of these we face that are all, while a bit different, still basically the same.
At the end of the day be thankful for the little things that make you happy, whether it’s morning coffee or your favorite cartoon show. No one should feel alone or left alone.
Depression kills more people than any other disease or illness. Praise yourself and slowly learn to love your flaws. Sooner or later, you’ll be brand new and able to run again.
All rights reserved ©