By Jae Vitug | World of Thoughts ©
It has been a very long time…
It has been a year of firsts and lasts…
For the past months, I was brave enough to spill and wholeheartedly share my thoughts to the world. Believe me when I say that every blog post took incredible guts to write. Because on the night I started putting my hands to work on my thoughts, that’s when I proved that emotional writing totally breaks you apart on the inside.
But then, it helped me breathe freely, moving on without hard feelings, regrets, and grievances.
I know that I should embrace the thought of getting rid of you but I will never be okay deep down, not until I tell you every single detail that I’ve been wanting to say.
In this way, I could release all the built-up emotions I never expressed to you—all the things I assumed you knew.
I just want you to know that I’m writing this letter to you because I forgive you…
I don’t know how to begin. I don’t know the exact words that I should use to match with my neverending feelings, but here I am again… There are tears streaming down my face, yet I couldn’t feel the trickle…
I’m upset, but more than anything, I’m mad that after so many months, you still have that power over me. I’m angry that you still have this huge impact in me enough to make me cry. I’m disappointed with myself because up until now, you’re the one that I’m thinking about.
And that’s when it hit me—I’m not crying because I’m upset that we aren’t together anymore, I’m upset because I feel sorry for who you and I have become.
You came into my life at just the right moment, and for a while, made me the happiest and saddest I’ve ever been. You were the first of my many firsts: the first person to let me know what it feels like to fall in love, how gratifying it could be to have a constant companion, and what a disastrous breakdown of a relationship actually looks like.
You were the person I was looking up to, the person who I thought would never have the courage to break me into pieces, and the person I was proud to be with.
More than just that, I knew pain comes naturally l, but I kept loving you because I thought I could change the inevitable. I loved anyway, because it’s better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all.
I’d like to say that I’m glad that you are well, but as we both know I have absolutely no idea how you are. You had your own reasons; I had mine. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Thank you so much for days filled with happiness, laughter, and pain.
But I don’t know which was more excruciating – living with that horrible absence or being with you again. You were worth the risk that’s why I took the fall. Saying that I regret a single thing would mean that I regret what once made me happy.
I forgive you for not telling me your reasons ahead of time. I forgive you for the countless times you’ve had me shed tears. I forgive you for taking away the happiness inside me. I forgive you for making me feel that I’m not enough. I forgive you for breaking me into a thousand pieces.
And, I’m sorry… I’m sorry for the same reasons I’ve brought to your life.
I love you, and I would have given everything up to be with you but… I’d have to learn how to stop thinking about you again and let you go…
You’ll always be my sweetest downfall and my hardest goodbye. Maybe one day, you’ll think of me. Maybe one day, we’d even happen again…
But for now this is enough.
We’re both content.
You’re happy and that’s enough…
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