The Moment of Truth

By Jae Vitug World of Thoughts ©

Lonely single female at the bar drinking

Is there really such thing as perfect timing? Is there someone really destined for you?

No. I don’t think so. I believe that there are only decisions, choices that are meant to be made. There’s not the right time that you have to make them, because if you really want something, you will make it happen.

And so you’ve made your decision, and my decision is counterfeited since I don’t think I can do more about it, rather than just hope you’d have a great future, the one without me as I imagined it to be…

Perhaps I was too optimistic, thinking that there could be more of us than just friends.

But friends don’t do what we do…

I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to, because I have no right to, there’s no reason for me to, you’ve treated me right all along. There’s not one moment that you’ve disrespected me, instead you were always there by my side guiding me, honest and loyal

I like you. You know I like you. It’s always been hard for me to express myself, but for the first time in my life I built up the courage to, because I was so sure of you. You said you like me, that I was different, and that you value what we have. And I really did feel special. What we had felt special. We had conversations I’ve never had with anyone else.

I thought we were already building our own world…

It’s been a while now, I’ve already invested so much time and effort on you. And suddenly we’ve just come up to an agreement that we’re just friends? Or rather, an agreement that you proposed, and I said “yes” to because there’s nothing more I can do than just be defeated

I still want to text you when I see something that reminds me of you. I want you to know what happens to me throughout the day. I want to remind you of the inside jokes and the private moments that we’ve shared. I don’t want to have to think twice when I want to dial your number or send you a message. Not that friends can’t call each other, but I know now you won’t answer me like you used to. I don’t want to play that game, but you gave me no other choice.

You don’t wanna loose me, or our friendship, but it’s more like I’ve already lost myself, again… The one that you’ve helped me pick up when you found me shattered and unwell

It seems like now I’ve got to help myself heal, over you, because you’ve got your guards up again. The walls I’ve once entered are now been rebuilt, but stronger that I can’t seem to break through anymore.

You see, I can’t just be friends with you, because seeing you, holding you, talking with you, will always make me hope forever. Hoping that there can still be something that can trigger that fire inside of you to make you want me again.

How can you be so selfish? How can you tell me you like me but you couldn’t try to take a step further, instead you decided to hurt me by backing out. You said it was hard for you to do this because you know that it would cost me emotional damage. Well please do know that it was harder for me to stand here waiting, while I didn’t know you were already plotting how to break it. I don’t understand why you had to pretend that we were okay?

Why do you have to shut down everybody? What are you afraid of? I knew it was all good to be true when I’ve already felt home with you… I didn’t even ask you for too much, in fact I was the one who gave you my all.

“You want everything to be the same, you don’t want to lose me. You want me to stay…”

After that conversation, I didn’t know how it would ever be the same for me, for us. After all the things I imagined for us together, after believing that what we had was more than what it seems. Now that my heart is broken, how would I even know how to act around you?

You want me to be there for you, to continue being there for you. You were asking me to stay, not even considering what it would be like for me, how it will keep breaking my heart. That’s really selfish of you…

In my head I screamed, “You’re a f*cking selfish a*shole!” I wanted to scream that to your face.

But I didn’t…

I didn’t because although it was selfish of you to ask, deep in my heart I wouldn’t want to lose you either. That if that’s the only place for me in your life, I’d still gladly accept it. Not for you but for myself.

It’s okay, I guess it’s not your fault you don’t feel the same way. So I’ll stay. I’ll be here for you. I promise you, I will always be here.

Right now, I’m trying my best to act the same, but my heart is having a hard time keeping up.

I don’t really want to say I love you. I probably never will. If this ever reaches you, please pretend it didn’t. I’m only writing this because I can no longer keep it all to myself.

Golden | No Strings Attached | Say You Won’t Let Go

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