By Jae Vitug | World of Thoughts ©
“Whatever happens tomorrow, we’ve had today. And if we should bump into each other sometime in the future, well that’s fine too, we’ll be friends.”
– Emma Morely (One Day, 2011)
July 21, 2015
You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been on this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable, and anxious, and scared, and you’ve survived it.
Breathe, and you know you can survive this one too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass.
Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon they are going to fade, and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, keep living, again and again.
This will pass.
I promise, it will pass…
I left my comfort zone sometime early in May for the hopes that I’d be able to find myself after I’ve been shattered by a man for the first time.
I’ve had enough of who I became.
I left for the optimism that I’d find my real purpose in life. And it wasn’t definitely what I used to be doing.
I was lost.
So I went on a journey, alone.
I’ve never been the one known to endure the circumstances of not having people around me. I need a presence of at least one person to save me from dooming myself into loneliness.
Absentmindedly, I did survive.
August 16, 2015
I saw you again last night at the same club I last heard from you. I was dancing with a friend of mine, and then I looked up and saw you on the ledge with your new girlfriend.
We might’ve stared at each other for a bit of time.
No greetings, no smiling, nothing.
You looked at me, confident that I would stiffen with your presence. I thought I would, too. But for the first time, I felt… silence. No overwhelming self-consciousness, no weird heartbeats, nothing out of the ordinary was heightened, just… nothing. And I found it very pleasant. In fact, I felt I was free.
I was happy for you, and her mostly, you treated her how any woman should be treated. You carried her down the ledge effortlessly with her shoes on your right hand and her bag on the other. She might’ve felt like a real princess at that moment.
I was proud of who you’ve become. Not so cold-hearted now huh?
August 18, 2015
Here you go again, walking towards the entrance of my usual café place where I always see your friends, but never you.
But you’re here now.
You look so different, you look more handsome, your body in great shape, and even your fashion sense has improved as well.
I don’t know what it is, but your life must’ve been better now in all ways. It screams out loud to me that I’m seeing you walk pass by our table.
But then again, I don’t feel anything.
I found myself looking for that mini heart attack whenever I see you or even hear your name.
But it’s gone now.
I haven’t grown bitter. In fact, I still find it in my heart to say “I love you.” It’s just that, the heart has its limit too, of how much it could contain and how much it is willing to suffer. I thought seeing you would be like falling in love all over again. But that did not happen.
I’ve let you go…
And I’m happy that I can finally say… I loved you.
August 22, 2015
I’ve had this favorite movie since 2011, entitled (One Day directed by Lone Scherfig, a novel by David Nicholls).
I’ve watched it for about countless times from the first time I saw it, but it’s just been now that I got to be reading the book. What can I say? The first 71 pages itself were bringing me tears and laughter.
I had to mention since the sheer story of Dex and Em has been my inspiration of writing this.
To my dear You,
My new inspiration, my guidance, my dear companion.
Months and months and months have passed, and I’m happy you’re still by my side, I’m happy we’re still friends. I don’t ever want to lose you. Whatever should happen would happen, but I won’t let life take you away from me.
That’s what I wanted to say to you the last time that we talked, but I think I kind of paraphrased a bit.
Timing really is a funny thing, isn’t it? Good things always happen when you least expect them. Sometimes, you don’t realize something good even when it’s right in front of you.
I remember being such a mess when we first met. I was lost, confused, heartbroken, and damaged. You helped me pick up the pieces and make sense of everything, without asking for anything in return. You helped me remember that I deserved to be treated right without even realizing you’ve been doing so much for me already.
You are a perfect gentleman—a breed I didn’t know existed anymore because of how badly I was treated in the past. I got so used to giving so much of myself to that someone that I left nothing for myself.
That’s why it took a while for me to come around when you finally started treating me right.
You helped me overcome all of it. You reminded me that it’s okay to be vulnerable and that it’s okay to feel. You never judged me for no matter which.
And so I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for respecting me. Thank you for helping me realize my worth.
You are by far the most attractive man I have ever seen, your perfectly plump lips, your hazel green colored eyes, your black messy curly hair, your thin pointed nose, the wrinkles under your eyes whenever you smile of my corny jokes. Even your smell lures me in, always will be the same perfume I’d want on you.
The first time I saw you, I knew you were different, and I knew that I wanted you right away. But I didn’t know there was something more than the good looks. After months of getting to know you, you’re also the most honest, mature, and loyal guy I’ve met. It’s just crazy how you’re so… different, so… perfect.
I know I am trouble, but, I know as well that I’m willing to grow, for you…
I want to be mature enough, and you’re slowly changing me… But for the better, and I like that feeling. I’m doing this not because you’re asking me to, but because after all those conversations we’ve had, it’s making me want to transform myself onto someone who can match your perfection.
I know now may not be the right time for us, because I still have so many things to figure out on my own, so do you, and I’m not even sure if you like like me, you tend to confuse me most of the time. But just keep it in mind that I wouldn’t have made it this far if it hadn’t been for you.
You’ve inspired me to keep going and to be the best version of myself. Because of you, I learned that it’s okay to be alone and it is possible to find happiness within myself.
So when the day comes that I’m completely okay again and we find ourselves on the same page, I know I will be the luckiest girl in the world.
I want to be the one to fall for you… I like you that much…
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