By Jae Vitug | World of Thoughts ©
“YOU GAVE ME FOREVER IN A SPAN OF DAYS, AND FOR THAT I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL…”
– Hazel Grace Lancaster (The Fault in Our Stars)
July 17, 2015
I love you…
Words that I failed to tell you in person, words that I still want to tell you, words that I still feel about you.
I know it’s probably too late to say it. I know you’re perfectly fine living without me, but I just want to ease the burden I feel inside.
I’m sorry if I was selfish back then. I’m sorry if I made you feel like your efforts were trashed, and if I focused on your mistakes. You may think that I didn’t appreciate anything you’ve done, but please know that I am thankful for what we had when we were together, when everything was fine…
I know these words won’t bring you back, I know these lines won’t undo all the pain. But you’re still the first thought in my mind whenever I wake up each morning, and the last before I go to sleep. Daily flashbacks make me realize what I wasted. I want what’s best for you even if it means not having you anymore.
Where did we really go wrong? I can’t figure out because even now that I look at you from the other side with your new girl, I realize that I’m still in love with you. Maybe we were perfect, too perfect, that when the moment came and we realized that we’re not, we both crashed and burned.
I’ve had my fair share of crying over you, my resentment above you leaving me, and my thinking of what ifs and what could’ve beens. But that’s just normal. Anyone coming from a break up have had this phase.
Maybe we’re not meant to be together. Maybe we were already done before we even started when we decided to take it a step further.
You know if I was Isaac, you would probably be my Augustus Waters. That if one day I’d get blind and there’d be scientists knocking on my door with robot eyes. I’d tell them to “piss off”.
Because I don’t want to see a world without you.
It’s just funny how I miss you so much at the same time I can’t really help myself from wanting to kill you for leaving me hanging. I just don’t understand why you called me “crazy” when all I wanted was to patch things up between us. I guess it was easier to give up and move on rather than to go through it with me.
I remember not long ago when I decided to come and watch your game by the bleachers like I used to. I dredged to you falling on your feet and couldn’t stand back. I jumped up on my seat, calming myself down thinking, “It’s okay, he’s a strong man, he’ll get back up and be on it once more.” Pain was still seething through your eyes, but no, a few minutes after the medics came, you mounted up and run onto the center of the field, playing your position, having that ball in control like nothing happened.
I was proud of you, always have been. Your determination never ceases to amaze me. You are a man with a few words, but you show people what you’re made of, every possible time. It’s wonderful how I can still connect every little thing, even the smallest bit to you.
When people tell me how of a hopeless romantic I am, I shrug it off, I really don’t care. Because even the mere sight of you reassures me that anything is possible.
What a privilege it is, to be feeling this way.
How can I really win at a game when I’m not playing fair? I say, I’ll give it my all, because I am more than willing to loose, if it means being honest with myself and with you, about how I feel.
We live in a world governed by rationality, and while love may be irrational, and we may manage to make it work for some time, the real world always catches up with us and our irrational illusions dissipate into thin air. Then we are left with reality and reality doesn’t always reason the way we do.
Lovers who can’t work together don’t like to accept this fact, they have a tendency of breaking up and getting back together, repeatedly.
Each time they take a break from each other, they come back and try to start fresh. But the problem is, they’re still carrying all that luggage. And sooner or later, they start to unpack.
All the demons come out.
When love scars, it cuts real deep. The pain isn’t easily forgotten and usually cannot be willfully forgotten. Chances are, you both have bruises that have never fully healed and likely will never fully heal. And that’s just something you decided that you’ll have to live with.
Because you really don’t have any other options. You just hope that the two of you find others to love so you can think about him less and you don’t have to worry about his happiness anymore. But you do, and sometimes you even find yourself putting his happiness above your own, and it hurts.
You wait in hopes that new love can take the place of the old, of him — which it can. But that doesn’t mean you will ever stop loving him.
Yes, I still shed tears at an alarming rate. Asking, at what point did you realize “us” was not something you wanted anymore? It’s like a never ending movie which I have to keep on pressing pause and play, previous and forward, but never really found the stop button.
After months and months or even years of this, I wonder onto which extent I will go. But all I know is, I’ll keep my promise to you. I’m just bettering myself to match your perfection. In three years’ time, I see myself standing in front of you, proud of what I’ve made of myself.
May it be the Big Ben or the Eifel Tower.
I’ll come back to you…
I’ve always believed that love is beautiful, in fact the most beautiful thing, anyone can come across with, living in this world we’re at. But some people cannot and will not ever end up together, even if they do love each other. It’s a sad truth, but a truth, nonetheless.
Trying, is something I’m best at, I’m not a goner, I don’t give up. Time, is my companion, the takes and risks I gamble with it I know, would be worth it in the end. Myself, is all I have for now, but sometime in the future, it will take you, to complete us again.
For you it might really be over, but for me, deep down I know,
— you’re still the one.
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