By Beverly Rosalejos | Candy Magazine ©
“I hope leaving with no goodbye wasn’t as easy for you as you made it seem.”
As cliché as it may sound, I never thought you’d mean this much to me. Who would’ve known? I remember the moment we met. It wasn’t magical. Time didn’t stop then, the Earth didn’t slow, my palms didn’t get sweaty, and my heart didn’t even skip a beat.
I was clueless of what was in store for me. But had I seen it coming, I would’ve done the same thing still. I wouldn’t have you any other way.
Yes, you warned me that inevitably, we’ll hurt each other at some point and that eventually, this could all come to an end. But I ignored it because the first time I heard you laugh, I felt something clicked inside of me. And right then and there, I admit, I wanted to want you, and part of me hoped that I could transform you.
Part of me hoped that I could be the game-changer. And that maybe, just maybe, I could be the exception.
And then, all of a sudden, right in the middle of our normal conversation, you stopped replying. I know you’ve done this a lot of times already and I could’ve chased after you. But wait, I tried, didn’t I? At least I did. Yet, something was different in that instant. I felt it. You wanted to stop. And it was all I could do to keep myself from running after you.
I got so used to talking to you that now, I’m finding it hard not to. There’s still so much that I wanted to say to you, too many things I wanted to do with you, and so many emotions I wanted to feel for you.
You left me with a sea of maybes and an ocean of what-ifs.
I hope leaving with no goodbye wasn’t as easy for you as you made it seem. I hope at least I made it hard for you. But tell me, had you been wanting to do that for a while? I wonder if you’ve given that decision much thought or you consider it as something that doesn’t even need pondering.
Did it ever hurt? I hope it did. I hope at least it did because so far, truth be told, the pain you inflicted, it hit me. Hard. And it still hurts. It’s not killing me anymore, it’s not keeping me up at night, and it’s not making me cry myself to sleep anymore, but it still hurts.
I’ve got my pride and I promised myself I’d never ask why because I know you somehow and I’m pretty sure you don’t have reasons that are valid enough to fill the void that was left in me. But I can’t be sure because maybe you’ve changed and even so, I don’t think I can stand hearing the truth.
I thought with time I’d realize it’s over.
Up until now, I don’t understand what went wrong. What happened? Was I so easy to give up? Was I not worth the risk? I know I swore I won’t and I’m sorry because I can’t help but ask, why? Why did you leave? Why did you walk away? Why?
Do you ever wish you just stayed?
Being the one left behind, the most difficult thing for me is not knowing whether to hold on and wait or to let go and move on. It’s like I’ve got your message but I don’t know what it means. Are you telling me “It’s over”? Or are you just being you, trying to find peace? Are you coming back?
I don’t know. But if this is it, thank you. Thank you for coming in to my life. And though the wounds are deep, I’m glad to have felt like I’ve had you.
I guess that’s just how it goes; you rescued me from being stuck with someone before, and now I need another somebody to save me from you.
P.S. Years will pass and I may not anymore mean any of this. But right now, as I write this, know that it’s true.
I miss you…