Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)

By Bryan Reeves | The Good Men Project ©

Intimate relationships don’t last because you love each other. They last because you make—and remake—a choice.

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Everyday, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing everyday on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so… much… more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her everyday, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her everyday for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her.

I deserted her. Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.

It’s torture for everyone.

If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:

“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”

If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Everyday.

You do, too.

Choose wisely.

Source: Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her) | Bryan Reeves – The Good Men Project ©


11 thoughts on “Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her)

  1. tonyroberts64 says:

    Wow. This reflection really hit home for me — hard., My wife and I have been together 26 years and I can’t remember the last time I “chose” her with the nurturing love she requires to flourish. We have now been separated three years and your post causes me to consider if it might be time to let go.


    • World of Thoughts says:

      Thank you so much for having the time to read. I’m glad that this has inspired you, however, this is not of my writing, but reposted as well, with copyrights of course.

      All I can say is, I haven’t been married before, but it’s a different version for me, it’s about my first relationship, it’s the only one as of now.

      I tried, I didn’t know before that I could love someone, I thought he wasn’t the one, it was having not to choose him everyday, because I didn’t like him that much from the start to be honest, it was all just the physical appearance, and was stupid since I wanted my first Valentine’s Date. Men have tried, but I never gave them the chance because I was just that cold hearted, but I did with him, something about him lured me.

      Then I fell for him eventually, fell for him so much, that I hurt him, did some stupid things trying to prove myself that I don’t love him, that I cannot feel that way, it was crazy, how I loved him, until I lost him. I learned from that, but in a hard way.

      Months after, I’m still here. Choosing him everyday.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. emmagc75 says:

    I reblogged this because it’s so important for us to not stay with those that don’t choose us. Way too many women and men make themselves miserable and ultimately break their own hearts because of this. Thank you!


    • World of Thoughts says:

      Like I said, I know of this, but when I hurt him, I could clearly see that it wrecked him. All I’m doing now is swallowing my pride, sulking it all in. I’m not being miserable, my life is still moving, I still go out, a to actually, with friends, my job is doing well. And yes, I maybe pushing men away, but that’s just me, I’m not ready again yet, and if possible, if I wanna be with someone, it’s gotta be him. He’s my first relationship btw, after being a player myself, he’s the first guy who’s had me to settle down.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. emmagc75 says:

    Reblogged this on Emmagc75's Blog and commented:
    The older and hopefully wiser I get, this is more true than I can say. We have to remember to choose one another every single day. It doesn’t take huge gestures, just something to show your love and gratitude for having that person in your life.

    If the person you are with DOES NOT CHOOSE YOU OVER AND OVER, please run far, far away and find happiness within yourself. Hopefully then you will find someone who will choose you every day and who values all that you have to offer. As I say a lot lately, Go Where the Love is!


    • World of Thoughts says:

      It is nice to read what you’ve said, but my case is that, I was the one to hurt him, that’s why he began to be cold at me, heartless I can say, but I still try, whenever I can. Although right now, it’s been exactly a month when I’ve last talked and saw him. I’m not sure if he’s moved on, but I can see on his social media and heard from his friends that he is happy. I’m also happy for that, I believe that we’d meet again. Hopefully that time, the timing would be right, because all that’s happening now and the past months are pain and hurting.

      Liked by 1 person

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