By Jae Vitug | World of Thoughts ©
I never thought love could be so beautiful, forgiving, and hopeful, until I read my own writing.
For those of you who just had their hearts broken, for those who think that it’s the end of the road, for those who needs a little guidance.
Then maybe if not me, maybe this, can help you believe again…
May 31, 2015
How long will I love you, how long will hold on to you, how long will I endure this pain, how long will I need you, how long will I want you, how long should I keep on believing, how long can I live without you?
As long as I can, as long as I still see hope in us, as long as I am bound to, as long as I love you…
I thought I could move on that easy. It’s been three months now since the breakup, but my feelings just keeps on getting stronger.
I used to hate you, until I forgave you, then I started to miss you, I knew by then that I am still loving you, that I never stopped, that I’ve always been loving you, only stronger than I ever did before.
After I met you, everything was about being with you. My life simply revolved around you, hence, I was left with nothing…
I have so many questions I haven’t asked before, but now I’m ready to ask you why. Maybe I already know the answer, but I wanna hear it from you. The truth hurts, but it needs to heard.
I have done some stupid things I’m not proud of, I did it recklessly. We lost everything, I admit it was my fault. I was playing with fire.
Maybe you’re thinking it’s bullshit, but it never is, never was. I apologize, I am sorry I didn’t know your worth to me, until I lost you. But right from the start, please know that I felt it, felt like I would fall for you, that I would love you. I didn’t doubt it for one second.
I was confused on why I was feeling that way, I didn’t know the definition of love back then, when all along it was standing right in front of me.
I don’t think I remember the pain anymore, the wound has closed, turned out to be just scars now, scars that would never be erased. The memory of the pain’s slowly fading, but the light, the happiness, the hope that you’ve brought to my life would always be there.
I want you to come back to me, desperately, you know that, everybody knows I never stopped trying. I can’t handle all the distance, because right now, it feels like I’m miles away from seeing you, when you’re just here, at least three minutes away from me.
I wish I listened to you when you told me to keep what we had private. I knew right after it got out public that I should’ve helped contain it, because relationships are meant for two and not for everyone. People won’t let other people stay happy, envy would be in the way until they manage to destroy the happiness you’ve built. Too much complications thereafter, with everyone around us having their own say of this and that.
You know it would just be easier to accept it if you died. I don’t want that of course, but I’m just thinking, if you did, it would be easier to move on because I know you wouldn’t be rising from your tomb, that you wouldn’t be with another woman, that I was the last you were with, that I’d wake up everyday knowing how much you love me, that I know you’re somewhere safe, that you’d always be watching over me.
But no, you’re here, so close, yet so far.
Have you already moved on? Am I being stupid acting like this? Should I move on too? Should I still be hoping? Why don’t we give it another try? Why won’t you give me another chance? Be with me, at least pretend that you want to, for one more day? I want you beside me, I want to feel your warmth, I want you to hold me. I want to kiss you, I wanna cry to you, I wanna feel vulnerable. I don’t care, for as long as I’m with you, I know that I’m safe.
I’ll make you feel happy, feel precious, feel cared for, because you deserve it.
Do you still feel something? Am I a complete stranger to you now? Please try to forgive me.
I’m begging you…
I can feel how cold you are, please don’t be. Let me in again, I won’t disappoint you anymore. I won’t stop pursuing you, I will always try.
I’m thankful for the few months that I’ve gotten to know you. I admire you on how true you are, on how dedicated you are to something important to you, especially on how much you love your family. You’ll always be an inspiration to me, someone I’ll always look up to.
It hurts me more knowing what I did to you, how much I’ve hurt you, that I did that to someone I love, that I was the reason why we failed.
I’m giving you time, I don’t mind how long it takes, I’ll be patient. And when you’re ready, ready to be mine again, I’m just one call away, no matter how far you’d be, I’ll come to you. If that happens, please know that I’m never letting go of you again. I will love you for eternity.
Those little things about you, I still smile about whenever I remember, your eyes, your smile, your laugh, the silly faces you make, your reactions to my corny stupid jokes, the feel of your hair whenever I grab it, the tickles I give your back, the warmth of your body, the smell of your perfume, the breakfast you make, the big and little fights we’ve had, your insecurities, the stories about your tattoos, the silly questions you ask me, the games I’ve been to just watching and supporting you, even the quiet stares we give each other, sitting there, just appreciating what has become of us.
Always the first thought in my mind? You weren’t wrong about that, you were right. Always, when I wake up, when I’m eating, when I’m taking a shower, when I’m out partying, even now that I’m writing.
I still remember how your lips felt like whenever we kiss, the tears when I first saw you cry, whenever you were so wasted, your happy moments, your peaceful sleep, the feeling that I get whenever we make love. I can remember everything, but I wish I could forget goodbye, and just keep on thinking that we’re still together, that’s there’s still us.
I hope you can feel how I’m feeling right now, how I feel like I’m dying, slowly. It’s taking the life out of me, not knowing where you are, how you are, and what you’re doing.
I always have my phone in my hand, always on the verge of texting you, typing, when the only thing left to do is hit send, I couldn’t. I’ve lost all my courage, because I know that for now, it’s not worth it, not worth another disappointment, not worth another heartbreak, because I also know, that there’d just be silence on the other end.
I wanted to keep you forever next to me, you know that I still do, because I still believe. Many times I’ve tried to forget you, but I just keep on remembering, because what we had was beyond amazing, definitely worth fighting for.
Honestly? I don’t feel like living another tomorrow if it’s not with you, but I’m surviving, I still manage to, and I’m thankful for that, thankful that I’m still given everyday to love you.
I don’t think I can ever let go, I may move on, I may be with another guy, it may be five years, ten years, twenty years from now. You may be a thousand miles away or just across the street, but I’d still be holding onto you. I’m just giving you time, myself too, to heal, to collect the broken pieces, so that if one day comes, I’ll also be ready, ready to give myself wholeheartedly to anyone, better to you, because I’ve been convinced that I’ll never feel like this again with somebody else.
I get tired too most of the time, but I just can’t get over us, I’m just getting stronger everyday, as well as my feelings for you. I get tired, but it just keeps on coming back, everything, except you.
I don’t want it to leave me though, how I’m feeling, I don’t want it to leave me like you did, our memories and these feelings are the only thing I have left of you. Sometimes I even wonder, was it just a lie? Was I just making it all up in my head? Was there ever an us? Was it only me from the start? Have you ever been there for me? I would never know, only you can answer that, but hope the answer’s the better.
I do get blissful too, whenever I’m out with my friends, partying, doing my alone time, whenever I’m with my family, just whenever I’m doing something that keeps me out of the blue. Don’t get me wrong, that’s real happiness at those moments, but after that, I still feel incomplete, that I’m still missing something, and I know it’s you.
I don’t wish otherwise, I’ve never once wished that I didn’t meet you, because I’m glad that I did, you’ve been my life for these past months, the reason why I was crying, smiling, living…
I hope that this is not the end, I know I’ll be seing you again, and if I don’t end up to be the woman you choose to be with forever, then all I wish for you is love and happiness.
And If the everybody else leaves you, just know that I’ll always be here. I will never leave your side.
I hope that you’ll find your meaning in this lifetime, that you achieve all your goals, that you’d see the world as beautiful as it is.
I will never forget my first love, I hope to still keep on hoping, I hope you find me again.
I hope that someday, you don’t tell me that you just wanted the best for me, because it’s you, it’s you that is the best for me, the best of me…
If today is the last day I’ll ever get to open my eyes… Just know that I love you.
More than myself…
More than anything…
More than the world…
I love you this much…
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