By Jae Vitug | World of Thoughts ©
Have you ever had that feeling when you just don’t wanna be alone? That you need that special someone to be beside you all the time? To have him making you happy?
I’ve had that myself, and would admit that I was on a constant hunt for a man who can make me happy, make me so in love that I wouldn’t care about the world.
Instead, I didn’t actually find what I was looking for. I can say that every man is the same, leaving you after getting what they want. But that’s not exactly it, you took the risk, knowing that there must’ve been something, until you become so clingy, for the fear of loosing this guy, that you ended up just annoying or scaring them away.
Plus, to all women out there, let’s not just give out ourselves to attract men. Don’t, that’s what they want, basically their goal, if they’ve reached it, they’re gonna go out on it again to get some with another girl.
It may also be our fault they act that way, they think they can get anyone easily with those uncunning charms, they do because we fall for it. They wouldn’t care about lying anymore, for as long as they’d get to sleep with you. We do need to respect ourselves, because they wouldn’t, if we ourselves do not.
I’ve had this one man, which I think I’ve ever had strong feelings for, I’ve known him for at least 3 months without doing it with him, we’ve dated, but we weren’t anything official. I do know that he was sleeping with maybe a bunch of others, and I was okay with that, because I’ve fallen for him, it was stupid I know. He does feel the same way, I knew it, and he showed it.
The first time we did it, we both felt amazing, how it was and how our feelings for each other just exploded thoroughly. I was definitely in love. I did love him, but I’ve never told him. Saying the “L” word is so precious to me that I know I couldn’t give it out just yet.
I’ve been saving it until now…
I also knew that after that, I would just be another fuckbuddy of him, I knew, and I was okay with it, until I’ve fallen more and more and just wanted him to be mine. I became too clingy, to the point that I’ve done things I wasn’t proud of, that made him hate me. I remember correctly that he wanted me out of his life for good.
What’s worse was that, we’ve been working at the same area, and lived almost beside the same building, and have the same group of friends. I always see him everywhere, we act like we’re okay in front of the others, but we never really talk besides those encounters. I’ve tried to, but he does not want to.
Every time I see him, I just want to hug him so tight and never let him go, but I didn’t have enough courage to do it.
I was hurting so bad, I became bad, I’ve gotten mad, messing up everything, thinking that he would come back to rescue me, I knew he wouldn’t care. Been ignoring all these advice from my friends, be the girl who’s on to every other man I see. I wanted to forget but I couldn’t.
5 months have passed, he was about to leave the country that we’ve gotten time to at least catch up, but it was awkward, it was a start though. I thought he’s already left, when he messaged me 3 days after I last saw him, that he’s at the airport and about to go. He sent me this message apologizing for us not having to work out, he did not wanna hurt me, he did not wanna loose our friendship, apologizing for what could’ve been.
I instantly went out of my room, did not bother changing, got into the first cab I saw, he’s boarding in half an hour, I knew I won’t make it, but I wanted to try. I dialled him up, we we’re laughing, happy, reminiscing, he told me how he still have my favourite book with my message for him, to pursue his dreams, stuff with his mom and all that. He told me how people would always meet for the second time, hoping that the next time we see each other, that would be our time.
Unlike the movies, of course I didn’t make it to the airport because of the terrible traffic and the limited time I got.
We’ve became best friends, I’ve never thought we could’ve gotten back in good terms. I always run to him whenever I need someone. He’s also in a relationship now, and happy, I am also happy for him. I still do love him, but I can say not as the same way I did before, I love him now, as a friend. But if given another chance, he’d still be whom I’ll be choosing over anyone.
I’ve never really found someone like him, he’s one of a kind, I may not look at any man the same way as I looked at him.
It’s been a year since I knew him, and had gotten into a relationship myself too, but it ended so suddenly. It was my first relationship, too private to even be blogging about it, only my trusted friends knew.
I wouldn’t say that it was as big of a heartbreak, we’ve jumped into that relationship too quickly, that we haven’t gotten to know each other well yet, enough to be hurt though, I knew I was also falling, I cared for him so much.
Things had gotten pretty bad through something he had discovered about my past, he’s never been the same after that, I knew that he has never completely forgiven me.
We just both decided to end it, well there wasn’t any formal break up talk or all that, we just knew that it was over.
We turned out having casual sex after, until that something came up again, now the fault on his side, this time I was hurt badly. I became too attached, believing that we were still together, it destroyed me. And the fact that he was not mine anymore, I couldn’t do anything about it.
I’ve also gotten into a big fight with my family and friends, along with this breakup, almost as if I had no one, I felt so alone. Went a couple of nights out trying to get drunk and eye on someone, dancing with random guys I didn’t even knew.
I didn’t care, until my friends told me it looked bad already, they were there for me, the real ones.
All the time they were there for me, but I didn’t notice, I was too blinded by pain and my stubbornness. We’ve gotten to talk, and I’m thanking them for making me understand and open my mind again.
I became so immature, I’m so glad that they’ve put me back straight to where I should be.
Also a very special thanks to this man, who made me realize what self worth is, trust me, it was about my second time meeting him, my first time to actually hang out with him, we don’t even talk much, but I really liked him that night.
I believed him, everything that he said, that he wanted a girlfriend, how beautiful I was, how he would take me out properly after our night out clubbing. How he was talking to my friends about it too. I knew he was drunk, so I had to make him repeat it again when he was sober.
I went home with him that night, I did, even if I knew we might end up sleeping with each other. I didn’t really care, because trust me he was that amazing.
The next day when he was sober, he was still saying the same things he was the last night. I messaged my friends, I was so captured by the moment, we just clicked, we have the same likes, we were sharing good laughs. I don’t know how to explain but it was awesome, he was real, felt like I’ve already known him for long.
Days after, he just distanced himself from me, how he was always busy, and didn’t wanna see me, I knew that was it, that it turned out to be a one night stand, my worst fear. This would be the second one, the first time, I really didn’t like that it happened, I felt so low, and now I did again, so anyone must’ve known how I felt.
There came a night when I got so drunk, I just came knocking on his door, at an ungodly hour, it was the only time I had the courage to talk to him, I wanted to say what I wanted to say, I had to see him, to know his reasons, to understand. He let me in, he told me how it was just a one night stand, how he has just used me for sex and for some other reason. I was hurt yet again, ended up crying, I didn’t like it, I didn’t wanna look so weak in front of him, he was holding me in his arms, and that was it, goodbyes after.
I saw him after a few days, he promised me that we would talk about it properly, he was already right in front of my face when he told me he’s gonna cancel, jerk move huh? But I couldn’t blame him, if doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, then he doesn’t. I don’t hold grudges to anyone, so I would forgive him, I wish he would too, for whatever it is he has judged me for.
Darling, if you’re reading this right now, then I want you to know, that I want things between me and you to just be okay, there aren’t many people that you just click with, and we’ve found each other. It doesn’t matter if we end up as friends, as long as we’re not nothing.
I still like you, but it’s better to just ignore it for now. I didn’t wanna let you go, you know why? Because you made me feel again, after my first love, you made me feel again, it seems impossible after just a short period but you did, and I won’t question that.
After weeks, as of now, I am completely happy with how things are turning out, except from my phone still dead after plunging in to the water, I am happy and contented. How things are working out with me and my family, me entering the university again after taking a year break to find myself.
I am proud to say that I did found myself. I didn’t need that special someone to make me complete, I am surrounded by really good friends, my family and God all along, supporting me on every journey I take. This realizations and lessons I will treasure forever. I haven’t felt any happier until I freed myself from all these stress and drama that I did not need in my life. I wish to stay thinking and being like this for long. I don’t know why and how, but right now, I am having the best time of my life..
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